Emotional Intelligence Series

Gaslighting, a term that has gained significant attention in recent years, refers to a form of psychological manipulation where one person causes another to doubt their own perceptions, memory, or reality. While it’s often discussed in the context of romantic relationships, gaslighting can occur in a variety of personal and professional settings. Whether it’s a partner subtly distorting the truth or a boss undermining an employee’s confidence, gaslighting can be deeply harmful, leading to long-term emotional and psychological consequences.

What is Gaslighting?

The term “gaslighting” originates from the 1938 play Gas Light and its subsequent film adaptations, where a husband manipulates his wife into believing she is losing her sanity by subtly altering her environment and denying that changes are happening. The term has since evolved to describe any situation where a person deliberately distorts reality to manipulate another’s perception.

Gaslighting tactics can be subtle or overt, but the goal is always the same: to make the victim doubt their own experiences, feelings, and understanding of the world. The gaslighter gains control by invalidating the victim’s reality and causing confusion, self-doubt, and eventually, a dependence on the manipulator for “clarity” or “truth.”

The Prevalence of Gaslighting

While gaslighting is a well-documented form of emotional abuse, measuring its prevalence can be challenging due to the covert nature of the behavior. Research suggests, however, that gaslighting is more common than many people might think, particularly in relationships where there is a power imbalance.

A 2020 study published in the Journal of Interpersonal Violence found that psychological manipulation, including gaslighting, was present in 17% of abusive relationships. However, the study also indicated that the actual number could be higher because victims often fail to recognize the manipulation or are reluctant to report it due to feelings of shame, fear, or confusion.

In the workplace, gaslighting can also be prevalent. A 2022 survey by the Workplace Bullying Institute found that 30% of employees in the U.S. reported experiencing some form of workplace bullying, which can include gaslighting behaviors like persistent undermining, withholding information, or altering facts to distort reality. This figure suggests that gaslighting may be a significant, if underreported, issue in professional environments.

Types of Gaslighting

Gaslighting can manifest in different ways, depending on the relationship and the dynamics at play. Below are some common forms of gaslighting, categorized by context:

No. 1 — Personal Relationships

In intimate or personal relationships, gaslighting often occurs between romantic partners, but it can also be present in relationships with family members or close friends. Common tactics include:

Denial of Events. The gaslighter may deny that certain events occurred, even when presented with evidence. For example, they might say, “That never happened” or “You’re imagining things,” causing the victim to question their memory.

Minimization. The gaslighter may downplay the victim’s emotions or concerns, saying things like “You’re overreacting” or “You’re too sensitive.” This invalidates the victim’s feelings and makes them question whether they’re justified in their reactions.

Shifting Blame. The gaslighter may consistently deflect responsibility for their actions by blaming the victim. Phrases like “You made me do this” or “It’s your fault I reacted that way” are common.

No. 2 — Professional Relationships

In the workplace, gaslighting is often used by individuals in positions of power, such as managers or supervisors, to manipulate employees. Common forms of gaslighting in the workplace include:

Undermining Competence. The gaslighter may repeatedly question an employee’s abilities, subtly suggesting that they are incompetent or incapable. This can lead to the victim doubting their own skills, even if they are performing well.

Withholding Information. Gaslighters may withhold critical information needed for success, then blame the victim for failing to meet expectations. This creates an environment of confusion and stress, as the victim struggles to understand why they are being criticized.

Rewriting History. In workplace gaslighting, the manipulator may rewrite past events, claiming that things didn’t happen the way the victim remembers. For example, a manager might deny having approved a project or instruction, making the employee seem unreliable or forgetful.

No. 3 — Family Relationships

Gaslighting is also prevalent in family dynamics, particularly in parent-child relationships or sibling interactions. Common forms include:

Invalidation of Feelings. Parents or family members may dismiss a child’s emotions or perceptions, telling them that they are “being dramatic” or “making things up.”

Favoritism and Comparison. Gaslighting in families may involve comparing one child to another in ways that distort reality. For example, a parent might claim, “Your brother never had these issues,” even when that’s not true, causing the victim to feel inadequate.

Distortion of Reality. Family gaslighting can involve altering or denying family history or events. A parent might deny past abuse or neglect, causing the victim to doubt their recollections.

The Negative Consequences of Gaslighting

The emotional and psychological toll of gaslighting can be severe. Over time, victims may lose trust in their own perceptions and judgment, leading to a range of negative outcomes, including:

No. 1 — Erosion of Self-Esteem

One of the most damaging effects of gaslighting is the erosion of the victim’s self-esteem. Constant invalidation and manipulation lead victims to doubt their own worth, abilities, and sanity. This loss of confidence can spill over into other areas of life, making it difficult to function at work, maintain relationships, or pursue personal goals.

No. 2 — Mental Health Struggles

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse, and like other forms of abuse, it can contribute to mental health issues. Many victims of gaslighting report symptoms of anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The constant self-doubt and confusion caused by gaslighting create a state of chronic stress, which can exacerbate these mental health conditions.

No. 3 — Isolation

Gaslighting often leads to social isolation. Victims may begin to withdraw from friends, family, or coworkers because they feel misunderstood or fear that others won’t believe them. In some cases, the gaslighter intentionally isolates the victim by convincing them that they can’t trust anyone else, further consolidating control over them.

No. 4 — Dependence on the Gaslighter

One of the most insidious consequences of gaslighting is that the victim may become dependent on the gaslighter. Because their sense of reality has been so distorted, victims may begin to rely on the manipulator for validation or clarity, reinforcing the cycle of abuse.

No. 5 — Career and Personal Setbacks

In professional settings, gaslighting can lead to significant setbacks in one’s career. When an employee is constantly undermined or misled, it can lead to poor job performance, loss of opportunities for advancement, and even job loss. In personal relationships, gaslighting can hinder personal growth, disrupt relationships with others, and cause emotional distress that prevents the victim from thriving.

How to Address Gaslighting

Recognizing gaslighting is the first and most important step in addressing it. Once a person is aware that they are being manipulated, they can begin to take steps to protect themselves. Here are some recommendations for addressing gaslighting in both personal and professional relationships:

No. 1 — Trust Your Instincts

Gaslighters rely on their ability to make the victim doubt their own perceptions. If you feel confused, constantly second-guess yourself, or feel that something is “off” in your relationship, trust those instincts. If you sense that someone is manipulating you, it’s important to validate your own experiences.

No. 2 — Keep a Record

If you suspect you are being gaslighted, keeping a written record of events can be incredibly helpful. Document conversations, decisions, and actions to refer back to when someone tries to distort reality. This is especially important in the workplace, where gaslighters may try to rewrite history or deny certain events.

No. 3 — Seek Outside Perspective

Talking to someone you trust—whether a friend, therapist, or coworker—can provide an external perspective that helps you see the situation more clearly. Gaslighters often try to isolate their victims, so maintaining strong connections with others is critical.

No. 4 — Set Boundaries

If you recognize that you are being gaslighted, it’s important to establish and enforce clear boundaries. This may mean limiting contact with the gaslighter or clearly stating what behaviors you will not tolerate. In the workplace, it may involve speaking to a superior or HR department to address the issue.

No. 5 — Consider Professional Help

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse, and healing from it can be a difficult and long process. Therapy can help victims rebuild their self-esteem, trust their instincts, and break free from the psychological effects of gaslighting. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) in particular has been shown to be effective in helping individuals regain control over their thoughts and emotions.

No. 6 — Leave the Relationship

In some cases, the best course of action is to leave the toxic relationship altogether. If the gaslighter is unwilling to change and the behavior continues, removing yourself from the situation may be necessary for your emotional and mental well-being.

Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic that can have devastating effects on individuals in both personal and professional relationships. By distorting reality and undermining a person’s confidence in their own perceptions, gaslighters can cause lasting emotional damage. However, recognizing the signs of gaslighting and taking steps to address it can help victims reclaim their sense of reality and break free from the cycle of manipulation. Whether through setting boundaries, seeking professional help, or removing oneself from the toxic relationship, it’s possible to heal and move forward with renewed confidence.